Alice in Blunderland: An Iridescent Dream Read online

  CHAPTER IV

  THE CITY-OWNED POLICE

  After Alice and her companions had enjoyed the aromatic delights of theBlunderland Gas Plant the Hatter and his Cabinet went into executivesession for a few hours to decide where they should go next. Theinterests of Blunderland were so varied that this was a somewhatdifficult matter to settle, especially as Mr. Alderman March Hare, whowas a great stickler for the rights of the honourable body to which hebelonged, wished to have the question referred to a special meeting ofthe Common Council. The White Knight as Corporation Counsel, however,advised the Hatter that there was no warrant in law compelling him toaccede to the March Hare's demand.

  "The Municipal Ownership of Rubbernecks act has not yet been passed," heobserved. "Consequently visitors to our City can be shown about in anyway in which the party in charge chooses to choose."

  "All right if you say so," said March Hare coldly. "Only I'd like tohave that opinion in writing. Public officials nowadays are too prune todeny----"

  "Prone, I guess you mean," laughed the Hatter gleefully.

  "I prefer prune," said the March Hare, with dignity. "Public officialsare too prune nowadays to deny what they say in private conversation toencourage me to take any chances."

  "WROTE ON THE SIDE OF A CONVENIENT GAS TANK"]

  "Certainly," returned the White Knight. "I'll write it out for you withpleasure." Whereupon, taking a piece of chalk from his pocket, he wrotewith it on the side of a convenient gas tank the following opinion:

  IN RE WHAT TO DO NEXT

  Opinion 7,543,467,223. Liber 29. Gas Tank No. 6

  You can go to the People's Shoe Shop, Or down to the new Town Pump. You can visit the Civic Glue Shop, Or call on the Public Chump.

  You can visit the Social Rooster, Or sample Municipal Cheese-- In short you can do what you choose ter, And go where you dee dash please.

  (Signed) JOHN DOE WHITE KNIGHT, Copperation Counsel.

  Meanwhile Alice had been turned over to the Chief of Police to be caredfor, and was charmed to discover that that individual was none otherthan her old friend the Dormouse whom she had met in her trip throughWonderland at the Hatter's tea-party.

  "How did you ever come to be Chief of Police?" she cried delightedly, asshe recognised him.

  "I'M THE SOUNDEST SLEEPER IN TOWN"]

  "I'm the soundest sleeper in town," he replied with a yawn, "so they mademe head of the force. You see, young lady, the great trouble with theaverage policeman is that he's too wide-awake, and that leads to graft.When the Hatter's Municipal Police Commission looked into the questionthey found that the Cop who spent most of his time asleep spent less ofhis time clubbing people who wouldn't whack up with him on the profitsof their business. Every ossifer who has been convicted of petty larcenyin the past, the records show, has been a fellow who stayed awake mostof the time, and no ossifer has ever yet been known to go in for graftor get a record for clubbing innocent highwaymen over the head while hewas asleep either on a Park Bench, or in an alleyway. Consequently, saysthey, Mr. Dormouse who wakes up only on every fifth Thursday in Februarywill make the best Police ossifer in the bunch, and being the best hadought to be chose chief. Hence accordingly, it became thus. Moreover Iam a champion Tea Drinker."

  "What's that got to do with it?" demanded Alice.

  "Everything," said the Dormouse, rubbing his eyes sleepily. "Everyblessed thing. Tea Drinking is one of our hardest duties under the newsystem providing for the Municipal Ownership of Everything in SightIncluding the Cop on the Corner. You see when the City grabbed up theBakeries, and the Trolleys, and the Grand Opera House, and the CondensedMilk Factory, and the Saw Mills, and the Breakfast Food Jungles, allenvy, hatred and malice disappeared. Everybody loved his neighbourbetter than he did himself or his wife's family, and consequently hencethere was therefore no crime, which left the Policeman out of a job. Theonly Burglars left in town were the regularly appointed officialsafecrackers representing the Municipal Ownership of Petty and GrandLarceny. The only gambling houses left were under the direct supervisionof the Mayor acting ex-officio and the Chairman of the AldermanicCommittee on Faro and Roulette. The Game of Bunco became a dulyauthorised official diversion under control of the Tax Assessors, andthe Town Toper, being elected by popular vote, could get as leery as hepleased by public consent. Life Insurance Agents became likewise PublicServants under the General Ordinance of 1905 starting the Civic TontineParlours where people were compelled to buy Life Insurance from the Cityitself at so much a yard."

  "A yard?" cried Alice.

  "Yep," yawned the Dormouse. "Policies were issued anywhere from threeinches to a yard long, each inch representing a year. If you bought amile of Life Insurance you were insured for as many years as there areinches in a mile. I never could stay awake long enough to figure out howmuch that is, but it's several years."

  "But what did the Agents have to do?" asked Alice. "If people had totake it----"

  "They went out and grabbed delinquents," said the Dormouse.

  "I shouldn't think people would need life insurance for the benefit oftheir families if everybody has everything he wants in Blunderland," putin Alice.

  "TEA IS SERVED ON EVERY CORNER"]

  "They don't," said the Dormouse, rapping his head with his club to keepfrom dropping off to sleep. "It ain't for the benefit of theirfamilies--it's for the benefit of the City. A City like this can usebenefits to great advantages most all the time. But you see the resultsof Municipalising all sorts of crime from straight burglary up to lifeinsurance resulted in the Police having nothing to do. There wasn'tanybody to arrest, or to quell, or to club, and so they turned us into asocial organisation and that's where Tea Drinking comes in strong. Everyafternoon at five o clock, tea is served on every corner in Blunderlandby the Policeman on beat. They have become quite a public function, butthey're a trifle hard on the police who don't care for tea, because wehave to be very polite and take it with everybody who comes up, and benice and chatty into the bargain. In addition to this we are required togo to dances and take care of the wall-flowers and make ourselvesgenerally agreeable. It is one of the laws of Blunderland that all girlsare born free and equal in the pursuit of life, liberty and germanfavours, and when any of the Terpsichorean Force finds a girl with redhair and snub nose with freckles on it decorating the wall and beingneglected at a cotillion, it is his duty to plunge in and either dancewith her himself, or put some Willieboy under arrest until he calls herout and gives her the time of her life. You can't imagine what wonderfulresults this Municipal Control of that social situation has done in theline of popularising plain girls."

  "It sounds very interesting," Alice ventured. "I should think the girlswould like it."

  "They do," said the Dormouse. "The only objection to it comes from theWillieboys, but nobody cares much what they think because there aren'tmany of them that _can_ think."

  "And is that all you do?" asked Alice.

  "Oh, no indeed," said the Dormouse. "We keep reserves for Bridge Partiesat the Station all the time, so that if any taxpayer ever needs a fourthhand to make up a game all he has to do is to ring up headquarters andget an ossifer to come up and play. In addition to this we look afterold ladies who want to go shopping and aren't strong enough to breakthrough the rush line at the bargain counters. And then once in a whilesomebody's baby will wake up at three o'clock in the morning and demandthe moon, and we go up and attend to it."

  "What?" cried Alice in amazement. "You don't mean to say you give it themoon?"

  "Not exactly," said the Dormouse. "We just promise to give it. That'sone of the strong points about Municipal Ownership. It's the easiestsystem to make promises under you ever knew. You can promise anything,and later on if you don't make good you can promise something better,and so on. It works very well in a great many places."

  "WE RESPOND IMMEDIATELY TO THE CALL"]

  "But that isn't really what we go up to the house for. We go up torelieve the poor tired parents who have been working hard all day andare too weary to walk up and down the floor with the baby. We respondimmediately to the call, grab up the baby and walk the floor with himuntil he is quiet again. Once last winter a chap with three pairs oftwins six months, a year and a half, and three years old respectively,had to send for the patrol wagon. All six of 'em waked up and began tosquall at once and we sent seven ossifers and a sergeant up to lookafter them. They had to parade around that house from 2 A. M. untilseven-thirty before those babies quit yelling."

  Just at this moment the Dormouse was interrupted in his story by araggedly dressed old man on a pair of crutches who begged an alms ofhim.

  "Only a dollar, sir," he asked piteously. "Only a dollar to relieve aterrible case of distress."

  "Certainly, Simpkins," said the Dormouse kindly. "I--well I'll bejiggered--" he added, feeling through his pockets. "I must have left mymoney at home. Maybe this young lady can help you out. Miss Alice,permit me to introduce you to Simpkins. He's the most successful beggarin nineteen counties."

  "Glad to meet you," said Alice, shaking hands with Simpkins.

  "You couldn't spare a dollar, could you, Miss?" whined the Beggar. "Itwill relieve a terrible case of distress Ma'am.

  "Why--yes," said Alice, suddenly remembering that she had a silverdollar in her pocket. "Here it is."

  And she handed it to Simpkins who thanked her profusely.

  "How's business?" asked the Dormouse.

  "Fine," said Simpkins, executing a jig. "I've collected $800 since eleveno'clock this morning."

  "MADE OFF WITH THE AGILITY OF AN ANTELOPE"]

  Whereupon, forgetting his crutches, he made off up the street with theagility of an antelope. Alice gazed after him in wonder.

  "I--I didn't suppose you had any beggars in
Blunderland," said she.

  "He's the only one," replied the Dormouse. "He's the official Beggar ofthe Town. He gets $25,000 in Tenth Deferred Reorganisation Certificatesa year--which, if the Certificates pay ten cents on the dollar, as wehope, will turn out to be a good salary in the end."

  "But why does he beg? Who gets the money?" asked Alice.

  "The City," said the Dormouse. "Once in a while when the Printing Plantgets clogged up with large orders of Bonds for our various enterprises,the City has to get hold of a few dollars of real money, so they sendSimpkins out for it. I believe he's out to-day trying to raise theinterest on the Sixteenth Mortgage Extension Bonds on the MunicipalCigarette Plant purchased year before last. It's ten months overdue andthe former owners have asked the Government to smoke up."

  "Oh!" said Alice. "Is the Printing Plant clogged up?"

  "Unmercifully," said the Dormouse. "Not to say teetotally. They'repreparing their Christmas issues in Magazine form, and that means aterrible lot of extra work. I don't believe the way things look now thatthe City will be able to print the money for last January's payrolluntil somewhere around the next Fourth of July, and if that's the casepoor old Simpkins will either have to work overtime or get a half-dozenDeputy Assistant Beggars to put the town in funds. I'm expecting to havethe Police put on that job at any minute."

  Alice was silent for a moment, and the Dormouse went on.

  "What do you think of the Municipal Ownership of the Police idea?" heasked.

  "It's fine," said Alice. "But I thought all Cities owned their policeforce."

  "A great many people think that," laughed the Dormouse. "But it isn'tso."

  "It is in New York and Chicago--I heard my Papa say so once," saidAlice.

  Again the Dormouse laughed.

  "Well," he said. "I don't want to cast any asparagus on your father'sintelligence, but he's wrong. The Police may own New York and Chicago,but New York and Chicago don't own the police--not by a long shot."

  "Who does, then?" demanded Alice.

  "The Lord only knows," laughed the Dormouse. "Some people say John Doe,and other people say the Man Higher Up, but which it is, or who eitherof 'em may be, I haven't the slightest idea. Maybe they belong to theCopper Trust."

  And then with a sly wink at the little maid the Dormouse turned over andwent to sleep.