Alice in Blunderland: An Iridescent Dream Read online

  CHAPTER II

  THE IMMOVABLE TROLLEY

  "What an extraordinary car," said Alice, as she stepped into thebrilliantly lighted vehicle. "It doesn't seem to have any end to it,"she added as she passed down the aisle, looking for the front platform.

  "It hasn't," said the Hatter. "It just runs on forever."

  "Doesn't it stop anywhere?" cried Alice in amazement.

  "It stops everywhere," said the Hatter. "What I mean is it hasn't anyends at all. It's just one big circular car that runs all around thecity and joins itself where it began in the beginning. We call it theM. O. Express, M. O. standing for Municipal Ownership----"

  "And Money Owed," laughed a Weasel that sat on the other side of thecar.

  "PUT THAT FELLOW OFF"]

  "Put that fellow off," said the March Hare indignantly. "Conductor--outwith him."

  The Conductor immediately threw the Weasel out of the window, asordered, and the Hatter resumed.

  "We call it the express because it is so fast," he continued.

  "You'd hardly think it was going at all," observed Alice, as she noticedthe entire lack of motion in the car.

  "It isn't," said the Hatter. "It's built on a solid foundation anddoesn't move an inch, and yet at the same time it runs all around thecity. It was my idea," he added proudly.

  "But you said it was fast," protested Alice.

  "And so it is, my child," said the Hatter kindly. "It's as fast asthough it was glued down with mucilage. There's several ways of beingfast, you know. Did you ever hear of the Ballade of the _NancyP. D. Q._?"

  "No," said Alice.

  "It's a Sea Song in B flat," said the Hatter. "I will sing it for you."

  And placing his hat before his lips to give a greater mellowness to hisvoice, the Hatter sang:

  THE BALLADE OF THE _NANCY P. D. Q._

  O the good ship _Nancy P. D. Q._ From up in Boston, Mass., Went sailing o'er the bounding blue Cargoed with apple sass.

  She sailed around Ogunkit Bay Down past the Banks of Quogue, And on a brilliant summer's day, Just off the coast of Mandelay, She landed in a fog.

  So brace the topsails close, my lads, And stow your grog, my crew, For the waves are steep and the fog is deep Round the _Nancy P. D. Q._

  As in the fog she groped around-- The night was black as soot-- She ran against Long Island Sound, Out where the codfish toot. And when the moon rose o'er the scene So smiling, sweet and bland, She poked her nose so sharp and keen-- 'Twas freshly painted olive green-- Deep in a bar of sand.

  So splice the garboard strakes, my lads, And reef the starboard screw-- For it sticks like tar, that sandy bar, To the _Nancy P. D. Q._

  O the Skipper swore with a "Yeave-ho-ho!" And the crew replied "Hi-hi!" And then, with a cheerful "Heave-ho-yo," They pumped the bowsprit dry. "Three cheers!" the Mate cried with a sneeze "Hurrah for this old boat! She sails two knots before the breeze, But on the bar, by Jingo, she's The fastest thing afloat!"

  So up with the gallant flag, my lads, With a hip-hip-hip-hooroo, For the liner fast is now outclassed By the _Nancy P. D. Q._

  Alice scratched her chin in perplexity, but the Hatter never stopped.

  "I got an idea from that ballad," he rattled on. "If you want trainsfast you've got to build 'em fast."

  "Yes, but if they don't go--how does anybody get anywhere?" asked Alice.

  "They can get off and walk," said the Hatter. "And it's a great dealless dangerous getting off a train that doesn't move than off one thatdoes."

  "I can see that," said. Alice. "That weasel, for instance, would havebeen badly hurt if he had been thrown through the window of a movingcar."

  "That's it exactly," said the Hatter. "As Alderman March Hare puts it,we M. O. people are after the comfort and safety of the people first,last and all the time. Everything else is a tertiary considerationmerely."

  "What's tertiary?" asked Alice.

  "Third," said the Hatter. "To come in third. It's a combination ofturtle and dromedary."

  "REQUESTED THE HATTER TO CRACK A FILBERT FOR HIM"]

  Just at this moment a man walking through the car stopped and requestedthe Hatter to crack a filbert for him, which the Hatter cheerfully did.The passer-by thanked him and paid him a cent, which the Hatterimmediately rang up on a small cash register on his vest, as required bythe laws of Blunderland.

  "That's the way the Municipal Ownership of Teeth works," said the Hatteras the man passed on, and then he resumed. "This street railwaybusiness, however, was a much harder proposition than the MunicipalOwnership of Teeth. When we took the railways over of course we had torun 'em on the old system until we'd learned the business. Thefirst thing we did was to get educated men for Motormen andConductors--polite fellows, you know, who'd stop a car when you asked'em to, and when they started wouldn't do it with such a jerk that innine cases out of ten it was only the back door that kept the car frombeing yanked clean from under your feet, letting you land in the streetbehind."

  "I know," said Alice. "Like a game of snap the whip."

  "Exactly," said the Hatter. "Under the old method of starting a car younever knew, when you were going home nights, whether you'd land in thebosom of your family or in a basket of eggs somebody was bringing homefrom market. So we advertised for polite motormen and conductors, and wegot a great lot of them, mostly retired druggists, floor-walkers, poetsand fellows like that, with a few ex-politicians thrown in to give toneto the service, and we put them on, but they didn't know anything aboutmotoring, unfortunately. Somehow or other good manners and expertmotoring didn't seem to go together, and in consequence we had a fearfullot of collisions at first. I don't think there was a whole backplatform in the outfit at the end of the week, no matter which way thecar was going."

  "Must have been awful," said Alice.

  "BANGED INTO THE CAR AHEAD"]

  "It was," said the Hatter, "and the public began to complain. One manwho got his nose pinched between two cars sued us for damages and wehad to return his fare. Finally one day one of the old bobtail cars gotrunning away, and the first we knew it banged into the car ahead andwent right through it, coming out in front still going like mad afterthe next car, and we knew something had to be done."

  "Mercy!" cried Alice. "I should think the passengers in the first carwould have sued you for that."

  "They would have," said the Hatter, "if they could have scraped enoughof themselves together again to appear in court."

  "It was a hard problem," said the March Hare.

  "The hardest ever," asserted the Hatter. "But the White Knight theregave me a clue to the solution--he's our Copperation Council--and I putit up to him for an opinion, and after thinking it over for two monthshe reported. The only way to prevent collisions, said he, is to cut theends off the cars. That was it, wasn't it, Judge?" he added, turning tothe White Knight.

  "Yes," said the Knight, "only I put it in poetry. My precise words were

  "The only way that I can find To stop this car colliding stunt Is cutting off the end behind And likewise that in front."

  "Splendid!" cried Alice, clapping her hands in glee. "That's fine."

  "Thank you," said the White Knight. "You see, Miss Alice, I made apersonal study of collisions. The Mayor here ordered a fresh one everyday for me to investigate, and I noticed that whenever two cars bunkedinto each other it was always at the ends and never in the middle. Theconclusion was inevitable. The ends being the venerable spot, abolishthem.

  "A very careful and conscientious public servant," whispered the MarchHare aside to Alice. "When we have Municipal Ownership of the FederalGovernment we're going to put him on the Supreme Court Bench. He meansvulnerable when he says venerable, but you mustn't mind that. When wehave Municipal Ownership of the English Language we'll make the wordsmean what we want 'em to."

  "THE CHIEF ENGINEER"]

  "Then of course the question arose as to how we could do this," s
aid theHatter. "I got the Chief Engineer of our Department of Public Works tomake some experiments, and would you believe it, when we cut the endson the cars, there were still other ends left? No matter how far weclipped 'em, it was the same. It's a curious scientific fact that youcan't cut off the end of anything and leave it endless. We tried it witha lot of things--cars, lengths of hose, coils of wire, rope--everythingwe could think of--always with the same result. Ends were endless, butnothing else was. As a matter of fact they multiplied on us. One carthat had two ends when we began was cut in the middle, and then wasfound to have four ends instead of two."

  "That's so, isn't it!" cried Alice.

  "IT CAME TO ME LIKE A FLASH"]

  "It unquestionably is," said the Hatter, "and we were at our wits' endsuntil one night it came to me like a flash. I had gone to bed on a ParkBench, according to my custom of using nothing that is not owned by thecity, for I am very serious about this thing, when just as I was dozingon the whole scheme unfolded itself. Build a circular car, of course.One big enough to go all around the city. That would solve so manyproblems. With only one car, there'd be no car ahead, which alwaysirritates people who miss it and then have to take it later. With onlyone car, there could be no collisions. With only one car we could getalong with only one motorman and one conductor at a time, thus givingthe others time to go to dancing school and learn good manners. Withonly one car, and that a permanent fixture, nobody could miss it. If itdidn't move we could economise on motive power, and even bounce themotorman without injury to the service, if he should happen to beimpudent to the Board of Aldermen; nobody would be run over by it;nobody would be injured getting on and off; it wouldn't make anydifference if the motorman didn't see the passenger who wanted to getaboard. Being circular there'd always be room enough to go around, andthere'd be no front or back platform for the people to stand on or getthrown off of going round the curves. The expenses of keeping up theroadbed would be nothing, because, being motionless, the car wouldn'tjolt even if it ran over a thank-you-marm a mile high, and best of all,a circular car has no ends to collide with other ends, which makes itabsolutely safe. I never heard of a car colliding with itself, did you?"

  "No, I never did," replied Alice.

  "Nor I neither," said the March Hare. "I don't think it ever happened,and therefore I reason that it ain't going to happen."

  "And how do the people like it?" asked Alice.

  "O, they're getting to like it," replied the Hatter. "At first theydidn't want to ride on the thing at all. They said what you did, thatthey didn't seem to be getting anywhere, and they hated to walk home,but after awhile we proved to them that walking was a very healthfulexercise, and on rainy nights they found the covered car a good deal ofa convenience, especially when under the old system of private ownershipof umbrellas they had left their bumbershoots at home. Once or twicethey lost their tempers and sassed the conductor, but he put them injail for lazy majesty--a German disease that we have imported for thepurpose. As an officer of the Government the conductor has a right toarrest anybody who sasses him as guilty of sedition, and a night or twoin jail takes the fun out of that."

  "Have you had any elections since you established it?" asked Alice,whose father had once run for Mayor, and who therefore knew somethingabout politics.

  "No," said the Hatter with an easy laugh. "But we will have one in thespring. We shall be reelected all right."

  "How do you know?" asked Alice. "If the people don't like MunicipalOwnership----"

  "O, but they do," said the March Hare. "You see, Miss Alice, we haveemployed a safe majority of the voters in the various Departments of ourM. O. system, their terms expiring coincidentally with our own--so ifthey vote against us they vote against themselves. It really makesMunicipal Ownership self-perpetrating."

  "He means perpetuating," whispered the March Hare.

  "Ah," said Alice. "I see."

  Just then a heavy gong like a huge fire alarm sounded and all thepassengers sprang to their feet and made for the doors.

  "What's that?" cried Alice, timidly, as she rose up hurriedly with allthe rest.

  "Don't be alarmed. It's only the signal that our time is up," said theHatter. "We must get out now and make room for others who may wish touse the cars. Nobody can monopolise anything under our system. I willnow take you to see our Gas and Hot Air Plant. It is one of the sevenwonders of the world."

  And the little party descended into the street.