Coffee and Repartee Read online

  XIII

  There was an air of suppressed excitement about Mrs. Smithers and Mr.Pedagog as they sat down to breakfast. Something had happened, but justwhat that something was no one as yet knew, although the genial oldgentleman had a sort of notion as to what it was.

  "Pedagog has been good-natured enough for an engaged man for nearly aweek now," he whispered to the Idiot, who had asked him what he supposedwas up, "and I have a half idea that Mrs. S. has at last brought him tothe point of proposing."

  "It's the other way, I imagine," returned the Idiot.

  "You don't really think she has rejected him, do you?" queried thegenial old gentleman.

  "Oh no; not by a great deal. I mean that I think it very likely that hehas brought her to the point. This is leap-year, you know," said theIdiot.

  "Well, if I were a betting man, which I haven't been since night beforelast, I'd lay you a wager that they're engaged," said the old gentleman.

  "I'm glad you've given up betting," rejoined the Idiot, "because I'msure I'd take the bet if you offered it--and then I believe I'd lose."

  "We are to have Philadelphia spring chickens this morning, gentlemen,"said Mrs. Smithers, beaming upon all at the table. "It's a specialtreat."

  "Which we all appreciate, my dear Mrs. Smithers," observed the Idiot,with a courteous bow to his landlady. "And, by the way, why is it thatPhiladelphia spring chickens do not appear until autumn, do you suppose?Is it because Philadelphia spring doesn't come around until it is autumneverywhere else?"

  "No, I think not," said the Doctor. "I think it is because Philadelphiaspring chickens are not sufficiently hardened to be able to stand thestrain of exportation much before September, or else Philadelphia peopledo not get so sated with such delicacies as to permit any of the crop togo into other than Philadelphia markets before that period. For mypart, I simply love them."

  "'MRS. S. BROUGHT HIM TO THE POINT OF PROPOSING'"]

  "So do I," said the Idiot; "and if Mrs. Smithers will pardon me forexpressing a preference for any especial part of the _piece deresistance_, I will state to her that if, in helping me, she will giveme two drumsticks, a pair of second joints, and plenty of the whitemeat, I shall be very happy."

  "You ought to have said so yesterday," said the School-master, with asurprisingly genial laugh. "Then Mrs. Smithers could have prepared anindividual chicken for you."

  "That would be too much," returned the Idiot, "and I should reallyhesitate to eat too much spring chicken. I never did it in my life, anddon't know what the effect would be. Would it be harmful, Doctor?"

  "I really do not know how it would be," answered the Doctor. "In all mywide experience I have never found a case of the kind."

  "It's very rarely that one gets too much spring chicken," said Mr.Whitechoker. "I haven't had any experience with patients, as my friendthe Doctor has; but I have lived in many boarding-houses, and I havenever yet known of any one even getting enough."

  "Well, perhaps we shall have all we want this morning," said Mrs.Smithers. "I hope so, at any rate, for I wish this day to be a memorableone in our house. Mr. Pedagog has something to tell you. John, will youannounce it now?"

  "Did you hear that?" whispered the Idiot. "She called him 'John.'"

  "Yes," said the genial old gentleman. "I didn't know Pedagog had a firstname before."

  "Certainly, my dear--that is, my very dear Mrs. Smithers," stammeredthe School-master, getting red in the face. "The fact is,gentlemen--ahem!--I--er--we--er--that is, of course--er--Mrs. Smithershas er--ahem!--Mrs. Smithers has asked me to be her--I--er--I should sayI have asked Mrs. Smithers to be my husb--my wife, and--er--she--"

  "Hoorah!" cried the Idiot, jumping up from the table and grasping Mr.Pedagog by the hand. "Hoorah! You've got in ahead of us, old man, but weare just as glad when we think of your good-fortune. Your gain may beour loss--but what of that where the happiness of our dear landlady isat stake?"

  Mrs. Smithers glanced coyly at the Idiot and smiled.

  "Thank you," said the School-master.

  "You are welcome," said the Idiot. "Mrs. Smithers, you will also permitme to felicitate you upon this happy event. I, who have so oftendiffered with Mr. Pedagog upon matters of human knowledge, am forced toadmit that upon this occasion he has shown such eminently good sensethat you are fortunate, indeed, to have won him."

  "Again I thank you," said the School-master. "You are a very sensibleperson yourself, my dear Idiot; perhaps my failure to appreciate you attimes in the past has been due to your brilliant qualities, which haveso dazzled me that I have been unable to see you as you really are."

  "Here are the chickens," said Mrs. Smithers.

  "Ah!" ejaculated the Idiot. "What lucky fellows we are, to be sure! Ihope, Mrs. Smithers, now that Mr. Pedagog has cut us all out, you willat least be a sister to the rest of us, and let us live at home."

  "'HOORAH!' CRIED THE IDIOT, GRASPING MR. PEDAGOG BY THEHAND"]

  "There is to be no change," said Mrs. Smithers--"at least, I hope not,except that Mr. Pedagog will take a more active part in the managementof our home."

  "I don't envy him that," said the Idiot. "We shall be severe critics,and it will be hard work for him to manage affairs better than you did,Mrs. Smithers."

  "Mary, get me a larger cup for the Idiot's coffee," said Mrs. Smithers.

  "Let's all retire from business," suggested the Idiot, after the otherguests had expressed their satisfaction with the turn affairs had taken."Let's retire from business, and change the Smithers Home for Boardersinto an Educational Institution."

  "For what purpose?" queried the Bibliomaniac.

  "Everything is so lovely now," explained the Idiot, "that I feel asthough I never wanted to leave the house again, even to win a fortune.If we turn it into a college and instruct youth, we need never gooutside the front door excepting for pleasure."

  "Where will the money and the instructors come from?" asked Mr.Whitechoker.

  "Money? From pupils; and after we get going maybe somebody will endowus. As for instructors, I think we know enough to be instructorsourselves," replied the Idiot. "For instance: Pedagog's University. JohnPedagog, President; Alonzo B. Whitechoker, Chaplain; Mrs.Smithers-Pedagog, Matron. For Professor of Belles-lettres, theBibliomaniac, assisted by the Poet; Medical Lectures by Dr. Capsule;Chemistry taught by our genial friend who occasionally imbibes; Chair inGeneral Information, your humble servant. Why, we would be overrun withpupils and money in less than a year."

  "A very good idea," returned Mr. Pedagog. "I have often thought that anice little school could be started here to advantage, though I mustconfess that I had different ideas on the subject of the instructors.You, my dear Idiot, would be a great deal more useful as a ProfessorEmeritus."

  "Hm!" said the Idiot. "It sounds mighty well--I've no doubt I shouldlike it. What is a Professor Emeritus, Mr. Pedagog?"

  "He is a professor who is paid a salary for doing nothing."

  The whole table joined in a laugh, the Idiot included.

  "By Jove! Mr. Pedagog," he said, as soon as he could speak, "you arejust dead right about that. That's the place of places for me. Salaryand nothing to do! Oh, how I'd love it!"

  The rest of the breakfast was eaten in silence. The spring chickens weretoo good and too plentiful to admit of much waste of time inconversation. At the conclusion of the meal the Idiot rose from thetable, and, after again congratulating Mr. Pedagog and his fiancee,announced that he was going to see his employer.

  "On Sunday?" queried Mrs. Smithers.

  "Yes; I want him to write me a recommendation as a man who can donothing beautifully."

  "And why, pray?" asked Mr. Pedagog.

  "I'm going to apply to the Trustees of Columbia College the first thingto-morrow morning for an Emeritus Professorship, for if anybody can donothing and draw money for it gracefully I'm the man. Wall Street is toowearing on my nerves," he replied.

  And in a moment he was gone.

  "I _like_ him," said Mrs. Smithers.
r />   "So do I," said Mr. Pedagog. "He isn't half the idiot he thinks he is."

  THE END

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