Coffee and Repartee Page 8

  VII

  "Our streets appear to be as far from perfect as ever," said theBibliomaniac with a sigh, as he looked out through the window at thegreat pools of water that gathered in the basins made by the sinking ofthe Belgian blocks. "We'd better go back to the cowpaths of ourfathers."

  "There is a great deal in what you say," observed the School-master."The cowpath has all the solidity of mother earth, and none of thedistracting noises we get from the pavements that obtain to-day. It isporous and absorbs the moisture. The Belgian pavement is leaky, and letsit run into our cellars. We might do far worse than to go back--"

  "Excuse me for having an opinion," said the Idiot, "but the man ofenterprise can't afford to indulge in the luxury of the somnolentcowpath. It is too quiet. It conduces to sleep, which is a luxurybusiness men cannot afford to indulge in too freely. Man must be up anddoing. The prosperity of a great city is to my mind directly due to itsnoise and clatter, which effectually put a stop to napping, and keep menat all times wide awake."

  "This is a Welsh-rabbit idea, I fancy," said the School-master, quietly.He had overheard the Idiot's confidences, as revealed to the genialImbiber, regarding the sources of some of his ideas.

  "Not at all," returned the Idiot. "These ideas are beef--notWelsh-rabbit. They are the result of much thought. If you will put yourmind on the subject, you will see for yourself that there is more in mytheory than there is in yours. The prosperity of a locality is thegreater as the noise in its vicinity increases. It is in the quietneighborhood that man stagnates. Where do we find great business houses?Where do we find great fortunes made? Where do we find the busy bees whomake the honey that enables posterity to get into Society and donothing? Do we pick up our millions on the cowpath? I guess not. Do weerect our most princely business houses along the roads laid out by ourbovine sister? I think not. Does the man who goes from the towpath tothe White House take the short cut? I fancy not. He goes over the blockpavement. He seeks the home of the noisy, clattering street before helands in the shoes of Washington. The man who sticks to the cowpath maybe able to drink milk, but he never wears diamonds."

  "All that you say is very true, but it is not based on any fundamentalprinciple. It is so because it happens to be so," returned theSchool-master. "If it were man's habit to have the streets laid out onthe old cowpath principle in his cities he would be quite as energetic,quite as prosperous, as he is now."

  "No fundamental principle involved? There is the fundamental principleof all business success involved," said the Idiot, warming up to hissubject. "What is the basic quality in the good business man? Alertness.What is 'alertness?' Wide-awakeishness. In this town it is impossiblefor a man to sleep after a stated hour, and for no other reason thanthat the clatter of the pavements prevents him. As a promoter ofalertness, where is your cowpath? The cowpaths of the Catskills, and weall know the mountains are riddled by 'em, didn't keep Rip Van Winkleawake, and I'll wager Mr. Whitechoker here a year's board that thereisn't a man in his congregation who can sleep a half-hour--much lesstwenty years--with Broadway within hearing distance.

  "I tell you, Mr. Pedagog," he continued, "it is the man from the cowpathwho gets buncoed. It's the man from the cowpath who can't make a livingeven out of what he calls his 'New York Store.' It is the man from thecowpath who rejoices because he can sell ten dollars' worth ofsheep's-wool for five dollars, and is happy when he goes to meetingdressed up in a four-dollar suit of clothes that has cost him twenty."

  "Your theory, my young friend," observed the School-master, "is asfragile as this cup"--tapping his coffee-cup. "The countryman of whomyou speak is up and doing long before you or I or your successfulmerchant, who has waxed great on noise as you put it, is awake. If theearly bird catches the worm, what becomes of your theory?"

  "The early bird does get the bait," replied the Idiot. "But he does notcatch the fish, and I'll offer the board another wager that the Belgianblock merchant is wider awake at 8 A.M., when he first opens his eyes,than his suburban brother who gets up at five is all day. It's theextent to which the eyes are opened that counts, and as for yourstatement that the fact that prosperity and noisy streets go hand inhand is true only because it happens to be so, that is an argument whichmay be applied to any truth in existence. I am because I happen to be,not because I am. You are what you are because you are, because if youwere not, you would not be what you are."

  "Your logic is delightful," said the School-master, scornfully.

  "I strive to please," replied the Idiot. "But I do agree with theBibliomaniac that our streets are far from perfection," he added. "In myopinion they should be laid in strata. On the ground-floor should be thesewers and telegraph pipes; above this should be the water-mains, thena layer for trucks, then a broad stratum for carriages, above whichshould be a promenade for pedestrians. The promenade for pedestriansshould be divided into four sections--one for persons of leisure, onefor those in a hurry, one for peddlers, and one for beggars."

  "Highly original," said the Bibliomaniac.

  "And so cheap," added the School-master.

  "In no part of the world," said the Idiot, in response to the lastcomment, "do we get something for nothing. Of course this scheme wouldbe costly, but it would increase prosperity--"

  "Ha! ha!" laughed the School-master, satirically.

  "Laugh away, but you cannot gainsay my point. Our prosperity wouldincrease, for we should not be always excavating to get at our pipes;our surface cars with a clear track would gain for us rapid transit, ourtruck-drivers would not be subjected to the temptations of stopping bythe way-side to overturn a coupe, or to run down a pedestrian; our fineequipages would in consequence need fewer repairs; and as for thepedestrians, the beggars, if relegated to themselves, would be forcedout of business as would also the street-peddlers. The men in a hurrywould not be delayed by loungers, beggars, and peddlers, and theloungers would derive inestimable benefit from the arrangement in thesaving of wear and tear on their clothes and minds by contact with thebusy world."

  "It would be delightful," acceded the School-master, "particularly onSundays, when they were all loungers."

  "Yes," replied the Idiot. "It would be delightful then, especially insummer, when covered with an awning to shield promenaders from the sun."

  Mr. Pedagog sighed, and the Bibliomaniac, wearily declining a second cupof coffee, left the table with the Doctor, earnestly discussing withthat worthy gentleman the causes of weakmindedness.