The Enchanted Typewriter Page 7

  VII. AN IMPORTANT DECISION

  For some time after the organization of the Pleasure Tours, theEnchanted Type-Writer appeared to be deserted. Night after night Iwatched over it with great care lest I should lose any item of interestthat might come to me from below, but, much to my sorrow, things inHades appeared to be dull--so dull that the machine was not calledinto requisition at all. I little guessed what important matters weretranspiring in that wonderful country. Had I done so, I doubt I shouldhave waited so patiently, although my only method of getting therewas suicide, for which diversion I have very little liking. On thetwenty-fourth night of waiting, however, the welcome sound of the belldragged me forth from my comfortable couch, whither, expecting nothing,I had retired early.

  "Glad to hear your pleasant tinkle again," I said. "I've missed you."

  "I'm glad to get back," returned Boswell, for it was he who wasmanipulating the keys. "I've been so infernally busy, however, over thecourt news, that I haven't had a minute to spare."

  "Court news, eh?" I said. "You are going to open up a society column,are you?"

  "Not I," he replied. "It's the other kind of a court. We've been havingsome pretty hot litigation down in Hades since I was here last. Thecity of Cimmeria has been suing the State of Hades for ten years backdog-taxes."

  "For what?" I cried.

  "Unpaid dog-taxes for ten years," Boswell explained. "We have just asmuch government below in our cities as you have, and I will say forHades that our cities are better run than yours."

  "I suppose that is due to the fact that when a man gets to Hadeshe immediately becomes a reformer," I suggested, with a wink at themachine, which somehow or other did not seem to appreciate the joke.

  "Possibly," observed Boswell. "Whatever the reason, however, the factremains that Cimmeria is a well-governed city, and, what is more, itisn't afraid to assert its rights even as against old Apollyon himself."

  "It's safe enough for a corporation," said I. "Much safer for acorporation which has no soul, than for an individual who has. You can'ttorture a city--"

  "Oh, can't you!" laughed Boswell. "Humph. Apollyon can make it as hotfor a city as he can for an individual. It is evident that you neverheard of Sodom and Gomorrah--which is surprising to me, since your jokesabout Lot's wife being too fresh and getting salted down, would seem toindicate that you had heard something about the punishment those citiesunderwent."

  "You are right, Bozzy," I said. "I had forgotten. But tell me about thedog-tax. Does the State own a dog?"

  "Does it?" roared Boswell. "Why, my dear fellow, where were you broughtup and educated. Does the State own a dog!"

  "That's what I asked you," I put in, meekly. "I may be very ignorant,unless you mean the kind that we have in our legislatures, called thewatch-dogs of the treasury, or, perhaps, the dogs of war. But I neverthought any city would be crazy enough to make the government take out alicense for them."

  "Never heard of a beast named Cerberus, I suppose?" said Boswell.

  "Yes, I have," I answered. "He guards the gates to the infernalregions."

  "Well--he's the bone of contention," said Boswell. "You see, about tenyears ago the people of Cimmeria got rather tired of the condition oftheir streets. They were badly paved. They were full of good intentions,but the citizens thought they ought to have something more lasting, sothey voted to appropriate an enormous sum for asphalting. They didn'trealize how sloppy asphalt would become in that climate, but after theasphalt was put down they found out, and a Beelzebub of a time ofit they had. Pegasus sprained his off hind leg by slipping on it,Bucephalus got into it with all four feet and had to be lifted out witha derrick, and every other fine horse we had was more or less injured,and the damage suits against the city were enormous. To remedy this, theasphalting was taken up and a Nicholson wood pavement was put down. Thiswas worse than the other. It used to catch fire every other night, and,finally, to protect their houses, the people rose up en masse and rippedit all to pieces.

  "This necessitated a third new pavement, of Belgian blocks, to pay forwhich the already overburdened city of Cimmeria had to issue bonds toan enormous amount, all of which necessitated an increase of taxes.Naturally, one of the first taxes to be imposed was a dog-tax, and itwas that which led to this lawsuit, which, I regret to say, the city haslost, although Judge Blackstone's decision was eminently fair."

  "Wouldn't the State pay?" I asked.

  "Yes--on Cerberus as one dog," said Boswell. "The city claimed, however,that Cerberus was more than that, and endeavored to collect on threedogs--one license for each head. This the State declined to pay, andout of this grew further complications of a distressing nature. The citysent its dog-catchers up to abscond with the dog, intending to cut offtwo of its heads, and return the balance as being as much of the beastas the State was entitled to maintain on a single license. It was anunfortunate move, for when Cerberus himself took the situation in, whichhe did at a glance, he nabbed the dog-catcher by the coat-tails with onepair of jaws, grabbed hold of his collar with another, and shook him ashe would a rat, meanwhile chewing up other portions of the unfortunateofficial with his third set of teeth. The functionary was then carriedhome on a stretcher, and subsequently sued the city for damages, whichhe recovered.

  "Another man was sent out to lure the ferocious beast to the pound witha lasso, but it worked no better than the previous attempt. The lassofell all right tight about one of the animal's necks, but his other twoheads immediately set to work and gnawed the rope through, and then setoff after the dog-catcher, overtaking him at the very door of the pound.This time he didn't do any biting, but lifting the dog-catcher up withhis various sets of teeth, fastened to his collar, coat-tails, and feetrespectively, carried him yelling like a trooper to the end of thewharf and dropped him into the Styx. The result of this was nervousprostration for the dog-catcher, another suit for damages for the city,and a great laugh for the State authorities. In fact," Boswell added,confidentially, "I think perhaps the reason why the Prime-ministerhasn't got Apollyon to hang the whole city government has been due tothe fun they've got out of seeing Cerberus and the city fighting it outtogether. There's no doubt about it that he is a wonderful dog, and isquite capable of taking care of himself."

  "But the outcome of the case?" I asked, much interested.

  "Defeat for the city," said Boswell. "Failing to enforce its authorityby means of its servants, the city undertook to recover by due processof law. The dog-catchers were powerless; the police declined to act onthe advice of the commissioners, since dog-catching was not within theirprovince; and the fire department averred that it was designed forthe putting out of fires and not for extinguishing fiery canines likeCerberus. The dog, meanwhile, to show his contempt for the city, chewedthe license-tag off the neck upon which it had been placed, and droppedit into a smelting-pot inside the gates of the infernal regions that wasreserved to bring political prisoners to their senses, and, worse thanall, made a perfect nuisance of himself by barking all day and bayingall night, rain or shine."

  "Papers in a suit at law were then served on Mazarin and the othermembers of Apollyon's council, the causes of complaint were recited, anddamages for ten years back taxes on two dogs, plus the amounts recoveredfrom the city by the two injured dog-catchers, were demanded. The suitwas put upon the calendar, and Apollyon himself sat upon the bench withJudge Blackstone, before whom the case was to be tried.

  "On both sides the arguments were exceedingly strong. Coke appeared forthe city and Catiline for the State. After the complaint was read, theattorney for the State put in his answer, that the State's contentionwas that the ordinance had been complied with, that Cerberus was onlyone dog, and that the license had been paid; that the license havingbeen paid, the dog-catchers had no right to endeavor to abduct theanimal, and that having done so they did it at their own peril; thatthe suit ought to be dismissed, but that for the fun of it the State wasperfectly willing to let it go on.

  "In rebuttal the plaintiff claimed that Cerb
erus was three dogs to allintents and purposes, and the first dog-catcher was called to testify.After giving his name and address he was asked a few questions of minorimportance, and then Coke asked:

  "'Are you familiar with dogs?'

  "'Moderately,' was the answer. 'I never got quite so intimate with oneas I did with him.'

  "'With whom?' asked Coke.

  "'Cerberus,' replied the witness.

  "'Do you consider him to be one dog, two dogs or three dogs?'

  "'I object!' cried Catiline, springing to his feet. 'The question is aleading one.'

  "'Sustained,' said Blackstone, with a nervous glance at Apollyon, whosmiled reassuringly at him.

  "'Ah, you say you know a dog when you see one?' asked Coke.

  "'Yes,' said the witness, 'perfectly.'

  "'Do you know two dogs when you see them, or even three?' asked Coke.

  "'I do,' replied the witness.

  "'And how many dogs did you see when you saw Cerberus?' asked Coke,triumphantly.

  "'Three, anyhow,' replied the witness, with feeling, 'though afterwardsI thought there was a whole bench-show atop of me.'

  "'Your witness,' said Coke.

  "A murmur of applause went through the court-room, at which Apollyonfrowned; but his face cleared in a moment when Catiline rose up.

  "'My cross-examination of this witness, your honor, will be confined toone question.' Then turning to the witness he said, blandly: 'My poorfriend, if you considered Cerberus to be three dogs anyhow, why did youin your examination a moment since refer to the avalanche of caninity,of which you so affectingly speak, as him?'

  "'He is a him,' said the witness.

  "'But if there were three, should he not have been a them?'

  "Coke swore profanely beneath his breath, and the witness squirmedabout in his chair, confused and broken, while both Judge Blackstone andApollyon smiled broadly. Manifestly the point of the defence had piercedthe armor of the plaintiff.

  "'Your witness for re-direct,' said Catiline.

  "'No thanks,' retorted Coke; 'there are others,' and, motioning to hisfirst witness to step down, he called the second dog-catcher.

  "'What is your business?' asked Coke, after the usual preliminaryquestions.

  "'I'm out of business. Livin' on my damages,' said the witness.

  "'What damages?' asked Coke.

  "'Them I got from the city for injuries did me by that there--I shouldsay them there--dorgs, Cerberus.'

  "'Them there what?' persisted Coke, to emphasize the point.

  "'Dorgs,' said the witness, convincingly--'D-o-r-g-s.'

  "'Why s?' queried Coke. 'We may admit the r, but why the s?'

  "'Because it's the pullural of dorg. Cerberus ain't any single-headedcommission,' said the witness, who was something of a ward politician.

  "'Why do you say that Cerberus is more than one dog?'

  "'Because I've had experience,' replied the witness. 'I've seen the timewhen he was everywhere all at once; that's why I say he's more than onedorg. If he'd been only one dorg he couldn't have been anywhere elsethan where he was.'

  "'When was that?'

  "'When I lassoed him.'

  "'Him?' remonstrated Coke.

  "'Yes,' said the witness. 'I only caught one of him, and then the othertwo took a hand.'

  "'Ah, the other two,' said Coke. 'You know dogs when you see them?'

  "'I do, and he was all of 'em in a bunch,' replied the witness.

  "'Your witness,' said Coke.

  "'My friend,' said Catiline, rising quietly. 'How many men are you?'

  "'One, sir,' was the answer.

  "'Have you ever been in two places at once?'

  "'Yes, sir.'

  "'When was that?'

  "'When I was in jail and in London all at the same time.'

  "'Very good; but were you in two places on the day of this attack uponyou by Cerberus?'

  "'No, sir. I wish I had been. I'd have stayed in the other place.'

  "'Then if you were in but one place yourself, how do you know thatCerberus was in more than one place?'

  "'Well, I guess if you--'

  "'Answer the question,' said Catiline.

  "'Oh, well--of course--'

  "'Of course,' echoed Catiline. 'That's it, your honor; it is only "ofcourse,"--and I rest my case. We have no witnesses to call. We haveproven by their own witnesses that there is no evidence of Cerberusbeing more than one dog.'

  "You ought to have heard the cheers as Catiline sat down," continuedBoswell. "As for poor Coke, he was regularly knocked out, but he roseup to sum up his case as best he could. Blackstone, however, stopped himright at the beginning.

  "'The counsel for the plaintiff might as well sit down,' he said, 'andsave his breath. I've decided this case in favor of the defendant longago. It is plain to every one that Cerberus is only one dog, in spite ofhis many talents and manifest ability to be in several places at once,and inasmuch as the tax which is sued for is merely a dog-tax and nota poll-tax, I must render judgment for the defendants, with costs. Nextcase.'

  "And the city of Cimmeria was thrown out of court," concluded Boswell."Interesting, eh?"

  "Very," said I. "But how will this affect Blackstone? Isn't he a CityJudge?"

  "No," replied Boswell; "he was, but his term expired this morning, andthis afternoon Apollyon appointed him Chief Justice of the Supreme Courtof Hades."